How To Help Your Teenager Break Out Of Their Shell 🐚 Feeling More Comfortable And Confident In Social Situations

This theme comes up quite often in my private practice: how to be more social and get comfortable doing it. 

Whether it’s expanding their friend group in high school, getting to know their new dorm room neighbors in college or working their first side job and managing the social anxiety that goest along with it – today’s teens and young adults are feeling socially awkward and they’re asking for ways to make it better. 

In my private practice, I address this concern from high school teenagers and young adults in college quite often. And I’ve got some thoughts to share as well as ways you can support your own teenager on their social journey in this interesting world we live in! 

What’s behind this? I have a few theories I’ve come up with, from anecdotal evidence in my private practice and serving as a school counselor for over 2 decades. And WOW have I seen the societal shifts and changes over time!

What I see contributing to our teens and young adults feeling socially uncomfortable:

• Texting: Let’s face it, this is how teens communicate. It’s quick and efficient. But, texting doesn’t go as deep as an in-person or telephone conversation. Therefore, texters don’t experience the depth of connection they otherwise would if communicating with peers in person. Research shows that deeper conversations bring more well-being than shorter conversations or spurts of communication via text. Our teens and young adults are missing prime opportunities to deepen connection when they opt to text instead.
• The Pandemic: Our teens didn’t have much choice but to sit out those years of in-person social/emotional development. When I ask my teens and young adults why they feel socially stunted or inadequate, the overwhelming response they give is the pandemic. Most feel they missed out on socializing, taking healthy social risks, learning about themselves, and connecting and building relationships with others. 
• Social Media: Not only does it keep your teen glued to their device and in their own world, it feeds them masterfully curated versions of other people’s lives. This creates a ‘compare and despair’ cycle, comparing what they view to their own ‘true’ version of life. They comes the sinking feeling of inadequacy and lack within your young adult. 
• Non-Human Distractions:  Now, more than at any time in human history, we have more opportunities to entertain ourselves without interacting with another human…yet still feel slike we’re connected. This includes social media, television, hours of binge-worthy television app series’, online gaming and more. It becomes easy for your teen to trade in-person activities with other forms of easy (and less emotionally fulfilling) entertainment.
• Ease of Online/Remote Connection: Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that having an online community of friends and connections is bad. However, the vulnerability required to engage with online friends is lower, which does not allow our teens to practice the vulnerability required of in person human connection. And this contributes to their apprehension and discomfort with social engagement in person. 

What this boils down to is that our teens and young adults are not in the practice of being vulnerable, courageously putting themselves out there and feeling the depth of connection and intrinsic benefits that come from human to human engagement. But you can help! Here’s how you, as their parent, can support them…

How to support your teen/young adult to break through their social ‘stuckness’? 

1. Encourage and Support: Encourage your teenager to participate in social activities that interest them, whether it’s joining a club at school, participating in community events or pursuing hobbies where they can meet like-minded peers. Remind them that it’s okay to feel nervous or shy at first and reassure them that it’s a normal part of the process of meeting new people, under new circumstances.
2. Role Model: Our teens are watching! Be a positive role model for social interaction by demonstrating good communication skills, empathy and respect in your own interactions with others. Engage in conversations with your teenager about social situations they may encounter and share how to navigate them effectively – share your own experiences and any strategies you’ve found helpful for building confidence in social settings.
3. Practice Social Skills: This could involve role-playing different social scenarios at home, such as starting conversations, joining group activities or handling disagreements with friends. Encourage them to focus on active listening, asking open-ended questions and finding common interests with others. 

Implementing these strategies will help your teenager feel more comfortable and confident in social situations, which ultimately supports their social development and well-being.

Your teenager carries an internal wisdom. They feel it when something is missing, a little ‘off’ or askew. I truly love when when my teen and young adult clients bring concerns of this type to their coaching sessions. It gives them a golden opportunity to have their feelings, thoughts and internal wisdom validated and explored. And your support at home, by listening and validating their feelings, makes all the difference in the outcome of their journey through adolescence and beyond. 

P.S. Not all teens and young adults are ‘naturals’ at opening up and talking to their parents. And many go through phases where they keep all their thoughts and feelings very close to the vest. They simply stop talking to you. I created a mini-guide on how to get your teenager to open up and talk to you. It’s free – grab your mini-guide here. 

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It takes a village! ❤️

Holly McClain, M.Ed. is a Counselor and Certified Life Coach for teens and young adults. She specializes in navigating life’s transitions, establishing a sense of self as well as mindset, emotions and Career Development work. Holly’s experience working with adolescents and families includes a 20+ year career in the California Education System as a School Counselor and Educator. Holly currently owns a private counseling and coaching practice supporting adolescents, working one-on-one with clients and families, as well as facilitating groups and circles. A San Francisco Bay Area native, Holly currently lives in the greater Sacramento Area and works with clients globally.