How to support your overwhelmed teen when they simply have too much on their plate

Your teen is simply overloaded and has taken on too much to balance. And they are not willing to give anything up. What now? 

How do we support our teens to help them loosen the grip? It’s quite a tight ‘death-grip’ they have on all of their challenging classes, extracurriculars, commitments and to-do’s. They are sacrificing sleep, inner peace and overall happiness as they put one foot in front of the other to push through to the next finish line…passing that chem test, getting through finals, making it to the end of the semester, getting into their dream college…What’s next? Grad school, the dream job, the next promotion and so on. This can become an endless cycle of pushing to the next finish line, not enjoying the present and feeling dissatisfied with who they’ve become. 

Let’s break this cycle and give our teens an opportunity to move upward and onward in a healthy, harmonious way so they can grow into self assured, tuned-in teens who know how to honor their ‘No’ to protect their ‘Yes’.

I have a 4 pronged approach to share with you that works very well with my own teen clients. First, lets identify signs of overload and overwhelm your teen may be exhibiting at home.

Signs that your teen may be overloaded

• Increased Stress Levels: Constantly stressed, anxious, on edge or overwhelmed
• Fatigue and Exhaustion: Lack of energy, constant tiredness, or difficulty concentrating 
• Social Withdrawal: Pulling back from social activities, friends, or family
• Irritability and Mood Swings: Increased irritability, mood swings, or even feelings of frustration and hopelessness…the ‘glimmer’ is gone
• Physical Symptoms: Headaches, stomachaches, and other physical symptoms without any medical cause 
• Neglect of Personal Care: Neglecting personal hygiene or self-care routines
• Changes in Sleep Patterns: Difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, or excessive sleep 
• Procrastination: Constantly putting off tasks or assignments 
• Loss of Interest: No longer interested or participating in activities they used to enjoy
• Decline in Academic or Athletic Performance: A noticeable drop in grades or a sudden decline in performance

My 4 Prong approach to support your teen

Step 1: Discuss responsibilities. Ask your teen what responsibilities must be handled each week? These are the non-negotiables. Attending school, attending practice, eating, sleeping. Your teen may list everything on their weekly schedule- and this will be an indicator of how tightly they are gripping to everything.  Next, evaluate what they actually enjoy doing. There may be quite few things they actually enjoy doing that they don’t make room for. This is important to bring to their awareness. 

Step 2: Q: “How can we lighten your load to create harmony between what your responsibilities are and what you truly enjoy participating in or doing?” I have a coaching tool I use, shared by my former mentor Coach Martha Beck. It’s called The 3 B’s. I evaluate, with my teen client, each ‘to-do’ on their list against the 3 B’s by asking: Can we Bag it? (simply not do it, or let it go-just for now or for good), Barter it? (get support or help getting it accomplished, delegate it) or Better it? (this is where it gets interesting) Bettering it means we attach a reward or positive outcome following completion of that which we need to do. This evaluative process gets wheels turning and cultivates creative ideas for crafting a life more balanced and peacefully lived. 

Step 3: Come up with a Self-Care process. It may sound like I’m adding more to their teen plate, but this is something they can incorporate into their lives that rejuvenates them, supports their mental health or provides respite. Often, once we explore what Self-Care looks like for them, we start to break through and open their mind to the idea of letting go of an extra ‘to-do’ not serving them. And replacing it with a Self-Care act instead. *In my experience, the concept of Self-Care is well-received and recognized by this generation. Odds are, your teen is familiar with this concept. It is also often referred to as an act of Self-Love. 

Step 4: When additional new activities, responsibilities or invitations are presented to your already busy teen – What now?! Discuss the power of “No” to protect their “Yes”. We only have a finite amount of energy and hours in the day. From a mindset perspective, let’s look at our “No” as a protection of our “Yes” to an activity/event that really lights them up. Also discuss what might need to shuffle out of your teen’s repertoire of activities to make room for the new “Yes”. 

In the last 15 years I have personally seen a ramping-up of responsibilities, commitments and overall stressors in the lives of teenagers. Giving them the tools and mindset to protect their personal needs, sense of self, individual preferences, peace and happiness is crucial, especially given the complex world we live in today. 

In summary, 1. validate their attachment to all they’ve taken on and how hard it is to consider letting any piece of it go, 2. listen to their concerns/worries and 3. collaborate with them to make small shifts. This support can go quite a long way in loosening their grip.

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There are instances when professional support is most effective. Do not hesitate to reach out for a complimentary consultation to discuss whether your teen could benefit from life coaching or other professional support when it comes to balancing their lives to craft a more harmonious and happy teen experience. 

Holly McClain, M.Ed. is a Counselor and Certified Life Coach for teens and young adults. She specializes in navigating life’s transitions, establishing a sense of self as well as mindset, emotions and Career Development work. Holly’s experience working with adolescents and families includes a 20+ year career in the California Education System as a School Counselor and Educator. Holly currently owns a private counseling and coaching practice supporting adolescents, working one-on-one with clients and families, as well as facilitating groups and circles. A San Francisco Bay Area native, Holly currently lives in the greater Sacramento Area and works with clients globally.

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